The hands of the clock move slowly. The light has already moved from the living room window to the next, and the baby has been put to sleep twice. Social media has been browsed, Whatsapp is silent. Is it still not half past four, are those not my spouse’s steps I hear at the front door?
Loneliness on maternity leave can be surprising. Loneliness is typical especially for working mothers when social contacts from work break with the parental leave. Suddenly you are at home alone with the child. Especially during the coronavirus pandemic, the only external contacts a family had could have been supermarket staff, maternity and child health clinic personnel, or profile pictures on a phone screen. If the potential spouse also goes to work, days alone with the child can feel really long. And even if there were more children, you can paradoxically feel lonely even when you are physically among people.
Motherhood is also a significant change to identity. Many mothers wonder at the beginning of the parental leave if ‘this is it’. Do I now exist only for my child’s needs, for bathing, wiping, feeding and reading rhymes? What happened to that woman who used to create project plans, lead meetings and write excellent reports?
It’s also somewhat taboo to say that staying at home is not enough. Family leave and the child’s first months should be the best part of your life, like you might be kindly reminded. Many experience unnecessary guilt for missing other things in their life than taking care of the child and the house: adult company, personal development, or for example opportunities to discuss working life related topics.
Mother’s loneliness is evident in studies
Loneliness during parental leave is real. Researcher Niina Junttila says 5-8 % of new mothers experience surprising loneliness (reference in Finnish). Working mothers don’t usually experience loneliness during pregnancy, but once the parental leave starts, the loneliness of mothers rises significantly during the first eight months and all the way up to 1.5 years. This is because many important social relationships and contacts are left at the working place.
The coronavirus pandemic has increased the loneliness of mothers on parental leaves even more. According to a study by the Finnish Institute for Health and Welfare (THL) the feeling of loneliness has increased by 48 % in parents that have given birth. In addition, keeping contact with grandparents has decreased by 45 % and with friends by 62 %.
Loneliness is visible also in Mothers in Business ry membership survey results from 2021. 63 % of the respondents (n=475) said they feel more lonely during the coronavirus pandemic and 56 % say their support networks have weakened. Especially those who have spent their family leave during this time have felt really lonely, as they haven’t been able to move much from home.
"“The impact of the coronavirus pandemic on me has been loneliness. All my plans to network with other mothers in the same situation had to be forgotten. Even my close circle couldn’t be part of our life as much as I would have wanted.
Luckily at least my spouse has been working remotely the whole time, so running the daily activities has been easier and he has been able to create a strong bond with our child. But I would still give those away had I been able to go to baby classes, have social contacts, receive support and organize the christening in time.”"
How to tackle the baby years and loneliness?
The loneliness of mothers on parental leave is a fact but it doesn’t need to be fate. Peer support can be a huge resource during parental leaves and it's worth taking advantage of. Contacting people and getting to know them doesn’t always happen naturally, but it can be relieving to know that you are not alone with the feelings of loneliness. Others like you are often nearby so asking for company pays off!
During parental leave friends can traditionally be found by the sandbox or at mother-child activities, but this doesn’t feel natural to all. It can also be that having a child the same age doesn’t mean you have enough in common, but you would also need other shared interests, especially if you want to discuss something else than family life.
If traditional family clubs don’t feel like your thing, you can find company and meaningful things to do also elsewhere. You can also bravely go to many places together with your baby. For example, in Mothers in Business events and informal get-togethers babies are always welcome. Location specific MiB Facebook groups also provide an easy opportunity to ask for company for stroller walks and (remote) coffee chats. The survey results confirm this: 53 % of MiB members say they have met others in a similar situation and 67 % say they have received peer support.
You can also keep up with the working life during family leave. Many workplaces are afraid to suggest that those on family leave could visit or stay up to date with news at the office because they don’t want to bother a new parent. So if you feel you would like to stay in touch with the workplace during the leave, it’s recommended to say it out loud and join for example weekly remote coffee chats that have been organized a lot during remote working.
Remember that even though you are alone, you are not alone! Loneliness is a common problem during family leave. So encourage yourself, talk about the need for company out loud, or post in an appropriate Facebook group. Based on my own experience, for example in MiB groups you can usually easily get to know people and others are happy to accept coffee invitations. Usually we people find helping others meaningful. There is power in peer support!
Writer: Susanna Bergendahl
Writer works for Mothers in Business ry as a program manager
Mothers in Business MiB ry (MiB) is a nationwide network that supports career-oriented mothers in balancing work and family. MiB’s aim is to provide opportunities for skills development, networking and career advancement. Currently, the network has over 4000 members and hundreds of volunteers throughout Finland. MiB International is a project that aims to develop MiB’s modes of operation to meet the needs of international career-oriented mothers living in Finland and to engage in societal advocacy towards a more inclusive and equal Finnish working life.
