MiB loves diverse families! Not everyone has a stable career, a permanent home, a good financial situation and a strong, long-term relationship when a pregnancy test shows positive. And that’s completely OK!
Sometimes a baby joins a family in another way than through birth. There are many ways and times to start a family and that’s wonderful!
MiB employee Ansku interviewed amazing women whose family situation didn’t follow the expected “manuscript”.
This is Maria’s story.
Breaking up during a baby's first year is common. To Maria that happened twice!
Maria is a 31-year-old woman working as a communications professional, and she has two children aged 7.5 and 1.5 years. She separated with both fathers of her children when they were only four months old.
Maria became pregnant with her first child after a short relationship when she was in her early twenties. “We had known each other only for a short period of time. We tried to play house for a bit but in the end we wanted different things from life. I was studying for my first profession then and everything in my life was still looking for its path. We broke up when our baby was four months old.”
Later Maria met her new spouse and this time having a baby was a shared long-term dream. Maria was again studying a new profession but that didn’t stop her from having another baby, just like it hadn’t the first time. However, this relationship also came to an end when the baby was four months old.
Pregnancy was an enjoyable time for Maria. “Even though the uncertainty related to the relationship shadowed both pregnancies, I enjoyed the time fully.”
Family life shared by several adults
Now Maria’s life with her children consists of many homes and adults. Even though the combination is interesting, they have avoided all relationship drama. “We have been learning a new kind of life, and the relationships with both fathers and their new spouses are excellent. We spend a lot of time together. I think that having a close relationship with all the adults and potential new siblings are a blessing for the child.” Maria considers the birth of her children as her destiny. “Both times a missing piece found its place in my heart, an important person to share that joy with.”
For Maria the best thing about their family is that all parties - Maria, both exes and their children - are happy in the situation and support each other in good times and in bad. It’s also nice to have time for herself as both children have two homes. Flexibility is also a great asset: if needed, there are many people who can help with the children.
Sometimes Maria has wondered how it could happen twice that only after the children were born, she and her partners realized the relationship wouldn’t last. In any case she doesn’t see her relationships as failures but as a natural part of life. “There are just as many reasons for a relationship to end as there are for relationships themselves. For me the breakups were not dramatic or full of fighting, but more like anticipated transformations into a friendship that made our relationship better. What could be a better environment for a child to grow.”
All in all, family life suits Maria well and she is enjoying her life. Potential challenges are mainly about practical matters: “Even though we have had challenges, they haven’t been caused by the relationships. A challenge can be having the clothes of two kids in four different homes, or having the work shifts of four people impacting our schedules. Or even more, with new spouses now in the picture. Parenting styles may also differ when parents don’t share their everyday life.”
Positive reactions
Sometimes different family models can cause prejudice but luckily Maria has avoided it almost completely. “Surprisingly, I haven't really experienced prejudice. My circle of close friends and relatives is made up of quite liberal people who don’t judge or criticise. Blended and separated families are so common nowadays that authorities or even maternity clinics haven’t questioned the early breakups or two-time single parenthood.” She has sometimes heard comments from outside her own circle though: “Some older people have commented about breaking up that ‘it’s not worth it’ and ‘you should just stick with it’ without knowing the whole story.”
Talking about the impact of the family situation on her children, Maria doesn’t see big challenges. “I don’t see the family situation impacting much, but moving houses of course has an effect on the children. Now my aim is that our next move would be the last my children need to go through - preferably somewhere near here so that they can maintain their friendships. Both children are very adaptable, brave, social and lively, but changes always clearly bother the older one.”
Motherhood and career
Professional self development has always been important for Maria and she enjoys learning new things and her current job. However, the family situation has at times caused economic uncertainty and time management challenges. “Combining work and family demands more from you when you are also combining more than one family. I hope that in the future work can remain flexible and I can define myself the kind of work I do. This will also help balancing with the kids. I’d also like to study more.”
Maria, what would you like to tell people who are wondering when is the right time to start a family?
“It’s always the right time if one or more people wish for a child. Life will carry you. It’s surprisingly easy to adapt to everything, both for children and adults. It’s important we talk about different family situations so the stigma can disappear and people wouldn’t wait too long for ‘the right moment’.”
Every family has a story to tell—blended families just have more chapters. –Unknown
All families are valuable
It doesn’t matter how your family got started and what kind of a form your family eventually takes. We are all equally important and no family model is more valuable than another. The most important thing is that children are loved and supported. We hope this text has shed light on the everyday life of a blended family.
Hopefully in the future many people find courage to start and raise their own kinds of families in peace, without having to face prejudice or negative attitudes from others.
The names of all the interviewees have been changed.
The blog was written and the interviews collected by:
Anna-Mari Back,
MiB employee
mother & fan of diverse families!
Translated by MiB active Anna Toiva.
Mothers in Business (MiB) is a nationwide network that supports career-oriented mothers in balancing work and family. Our aim is to provide opportunities for skills development, networking and career advancement. Currently, we have over 4000 members and hundreds of volunteers throughout Finland.
