MiB loves diverse families! Not everyone has a stable career, a permanent home, a good financial situation and a strong, long-term relationship when a pregnancy test shows positive. And that’s completely OK!
MiB employee Ansku interviewed amazing women whose family situation didn’t follow the expected “manuscript”.
This is Elena’s story.
How does it feel to get accidentally pregnant while unemployed and without a partner?
“Horrible” says 30-year-old Elena. Elena was 22 years old when she accidentally got pregnant. She had just moved back to Finland after living abroad and forgotten to renew her prescription for contraceptive pills. “Before I even noticed, I had gotten pregnant after a drunken night with my on/off acquaintance. To make matters worse, I was unemployed as I had just moved back to the country leaving my job behind and I was living on welfare. Thus, the starting point was pretty bad, if I may say so.”
Even so, Elena knew from the beginning that she wanted to keep the baby. “The feeling was very strong, and I couldn’t have gone against my intuition.”
The pregnancy meant a big change in Elena’s life as before she was living the life of a sociable young woman: full of friends, parties and work. “I did what I felt like and traveled a lot. And suddenly I was living a 24/7 hangover and vomiting dozens of times a day, feeling hopeless and unable to function while lying in bed. The pregnancy was by far the worst time of my life.”
It wasn’t just the nausea that made the period horrible, but also the turn her dreams had taken. Elena had always thought she would experience having a child together with a loving partner, and going through everything alone was tough. The father of the child decided to stay in the picture but they knew they would never become a couple. “I was really scared of what my own family and relatives would say about it and so I couldn’t tell them the truth. What I was afraid of the most was being pitied. I didn’t want that. It was easier to make both my family and the maternity clinic believe I was in a happy relationship. This made my life exhausting.”
New family
Everything turned around when Elena finally held her child for the first time. “I felt the stress and sorrow disappear and a wave of love washing over me. Now life had a new meaning. Days went by in awe of this new, wonderful person. Of course the baby year was also tough, just like it is for many others. But I managed it well I think, even though I did pretty much everything alone.”
When her child was around six months old, Elena decided she couldn’t live in the make-believe relationship anymore. “I told my family and relatives about ‘the breakup’ and I felt how a heavy weight was lifted from my shoulders. I felt I was able to live my own life genuinely and without shame.”
Waking up at night without support was heavy and so Elena did an intensive sleep training for her baby at seven months. “After that my baby slept like a log throughout the night and life got easier again.” When her child was nine months old, Elena started to study at a university of applied sciences and her life started to find a direction. In addition to studying, she also started working as an entrepreneur. “Life was sometimes challenging as a single parent, a dog owner, a student and an entrepreneur. But you can cope with anything and I wanted to show that being a single parent doesn’t stop you from reaching your goals.”
Now the baby years are far behind and Elena is still doing well. “I graduated from the university of applied sciences according to plan and now I have a wonderful job and no financial worries. I’m still a single parent and we live together with my child. First grade in school is about to start and we have become an amazing team, a small tight family. We tell each other every day how much we love one another. The child sees his father regularly and we live close by. However, I’ve always had the main responsibility over our child.”
The burden of prejudice
Single mothers and their families sometimes face prejudice - which Elena has unfortunately experienced as well. “I have been asked how my child will have a masculine role model even though he has regular contact with the father and we have other men in our family too. Also, I have heard comments about my child “otherwise doing well” except for his parents not being together. And of course society also has many prejudice against single moms, I don’t even want to begin listing those.”
In addition, Elena feels she needs to regularly come out about her family situation when she meets new people. “Everyone always assumes I’ve been in a serious relationship that ended, even though I’ve been alone with my child from the beginning. Sometimes they talk about the father of my child as my ex, and I’ve just let it be. But nowadays I’m somehow proud that I’ve done all this by myself and I correct wrong assumptions immediately. I feel I can manage anything and this mentality has grown in me because of single parenthood. I can build furniture, install ceiling lights, cook, repair pants, raise a child and build a career, and I’m very proud of it all.”
In retrospect Elena thinks the fear and the make-believe relationship during pregnancy were because of the image that’s created of single parenthood. “I hope no one would question someone else's way of having children. I also don’t want my own child to see nuclear families as the only way to have a family, but instead I want to raise a generation that gives space for diverse families. I don’t talk to my child in a way that would lead him to consider nuclear family as the one and only correct family model, in stead we discuss about many different alternatives.”
In regard to how the family situation impacts the child, Elena has a clear opinion: “My child doesn’t see anything strange about our family, and the situation has been the same since the beginning. He has been living a peaceful and safe life and has never been missing anything else. Once when he was younger, I had to explain how in some families both parents live in the same house and they are in love, because he didn’t even know about it.”
When school starts, many parents wonder how everything will go with new friends. “I believe kids nowadays aren’t bullied because of family models as already in school they are taught about diversity, and I hope all parents also talk to their children about diverse families, and in general how everyone is different and no one should be bullied.”
And what would Elena like to say to those who are wondering about the right time to get pregnant?
“If I had lived according to ‘the right time’, I wouldn't have the most important person in my life right now. I have had time to achieve everything that was pending after that as well. It hasn’t always been easy but it’s been worth it.”
All families are valuable
Even if you had a baby in unexpected circumstances, without a stable career and an empty bank account - remember that you can achieve your dreams also after having a baby! At MiB you’ll find peer support <3
It doesn’t matter how your family got started and what kind of a form your family eventually takes. We are all equally important and no family model is more valuable than another. The most important thing is that children are loved and supported.
Hopefully in the future many people find courage to start and raise their own kinds of families in peace, without having to face prejudice or negative attitudes from others. With this blog we want to break misconceptions regarding single parenthood and pay respect to every parent who has raised their child alone!
The names of all the interviewees have been changed.
The blog was written and the interviews collected by:
Anna-Mari Back,
MiB employee
mother & fan of diverse families!
Translated by MiB active Anna Toiva.
Mothers in Business (MiB) is a nationwide network that supports career-oriented mothers in balancing work and family. Our aim is to provide opportunities for skills development, networking and career advancement. Currently, we have over 4000 members and hundreds of volunteers throughout Finland.
