Baby dream fulfilled independently
Venla is a 32-year-old mom with a small baby and she is currently on her long-awaited parental leave. Venla has always loved children and has made her career as an instructor in early childhood education. She dreamed of having her own child long before it happened. The final push came from her doctor who told her to hurry due to medical reasons, and at that point it didn’t matter anymore that she didn’t have a partner in her life.
“I have always wanted children and it has really been my biggest dream in life. I have been in relationships but starting a family was never possible for different reasons. When I turned 30, health considerations suddenly came into the picture. I was wondering what I should do with my life. Should I wait for the right partner? Should I actively look for a relationship and potentially never have children? My body didn’t allow me to take more years to consider the options so I decided to try to get pregnant by myself.”
Venla was nervous about starting the fertility treatment and whether getting pregnant would be possible with the treatment. Luckily her pregnancy test turned out positive already after the first try and she was very relieved. Finally her dream was coming true, but at the same time the pregnancy was shadowed by mixed feelings: “On the one hand I was hopeful and confident that women have always managed alone with their children, built a career and even started companies. So would I. And on the other hand I was really worried how I would make it on my own. What was I getting into? What kind of a mother would I be and how to raise my child in the best possible way? In addition to motherhood, what would my life be like?”
New family
The pregnancy was mainly a happy time as her childhood dream was about to come true. It felt natural and many of her friends had told her she was a natural mother even before the pregnancy. After the baby was born, Venla felt relieved. “I was a bit overwhelmed but at the same time amazed by the little bundle of joy. It took me a few weeks to understand that I really was the mother of that little sweetie.”
Life with the baby has been full of moments filled with love as well as sleepless nights. “When you’re responsible for a little one 24/7, being able to rest yourself is most important. Housework can wait. It’s also important to listen to yourself and understand your own feelings.”
Venla’s close circle has mainly been positive about her decision to become a single mother. However, she hasn’t been able to avoid unnecessary comments altogether: “Face-to-face most people are positive and understanding. But I once heard a comment like “how can you be so selfish that you deprive your child of a home with her father”. It hurt of course but the person behind the remark hasn’t walked in my shoes and cannot know the decisions I have had to take. This is my life and I’m the only one living it. Every person is in charge of their own life.”
Venla has also been thinking about the future and the potential discussions they will have as her child grows older. “I’m prepared to answer my daughter’s questions the best I can. I can’t predict everything or know how she will react. This choice I have made could be a big problem for her at some point, and we will deal with it then. Or it can be something very natural.” Even though her child doesn’t have a father in her life, she has many safe adults around her who form part of her family. “It doesn’t matter if they are fathers, mothers, godparents, friends or caretakers, if they are important people to her”, Venla says.
Motherhood and career
Venla knows her career will wait for her, and right now in the midst of the baby year her thoughts are not yet on returning to work. “I’m responsible for her childhood, being present to her and filling her needs. She has only one childhood, I then again have over 25 years of working life left. This is also what I want, not only what I feel is my responsibility.”
Among other things, Venla dreams of changing jobs and developing herself professionally. “I will not put this dream away in a drawer but I will look for solutions later on how to actually make it happen.” The financial implications of studying as a single mother is a concern but the time for worrying about this issue comes later, now it’s time to enjoy the baby. Enjoying the present moment is important for Venla.
When does Venla think is the right time to start a family?
”It has to come from your heart, it’s important to listen to yourself. If your partner is not sure whether he wants children but you are, just say ‘next’. Find a partner who feels the same way as you. You can’t be flexible on this or compromise if in your heart you already have the dream of having a baby.” she says.
Venla hopes everyone is brave enough to make their own decisions about starting a family, and that in the future, opting for single motherhood would be a choice that no one would feel the need to criticise. “I’m definitely happy and content with my small family. I have the loveliest baby and I don’t regret anything about the way I started this family.”
Every family is precious
MiB members have very diverse families and each of these families is equally precious. The arrival of an expected baby is always the greatest gift of all. We hope this story increased understanding of single motherhood and perhaps also offered inspiration when thinking about your own life decisions.
We hope in the future many find courage to start their own unique families in peace, without having to face prejudice or negative attitudes from others. We also want to pay respect for every single mother! <3
The names of all the interviewees have been changed.
The blog was written and the interviews collected by:
Anna-Mari Back,
MiB employee
mother & fan of diverse families!
Translated by MiB active Anna Toiva.
Mothers in Business (MiB) is a nationwide network that supports career-oriented mothers in balancing work and family. Our aim is to provide opportunities for skills development, networking and career advancement. Currently, we have over 4000 members and hundreds of volunteers throughout Finland.
