Kaisa, in her late forties, has a family including a husband, a 9-year-old son and a dog. Before their son became part of their family, Kaisa and her husband had been suffering from infertility for more than ten years and had undergone various infertility treatments to no avail. However, the couple’s life together was pleasant, even if the arrival of the child would have been very welcome: “We lived together with my husband, working and taking care of our dogs. We have lived a good and truly privileged life: both of us have had nice jobs, we’ve been able to pursue our interests and we’ve traveled around the world. We like music and culture, and we’ve been to a lot of concerts by different artists. ”
After unsuccessfully trying to get pregnant, Kaisa and her husband kept their dream of having a baby on hold for a long time while ripening the idea of adoption. After a few years of reflection, they entered the international adoption process.
Adoption process
Starting the adoption process requires a lot of preparation from the applicants. The formal adoption permit process includes adoption coaching by a social worker, where the applicant’s abilities are thoroughly mapped. As part of the process, various types of coaching, training by service providers and experts are offered. “Throughout the process, your own thoughts become clearer and, on the other hand, you become more conscious about possible future adversities or challenges. At times we even thought to interrupt the process because of its complexity and uncertainty. ”
Sometimes the adoption process can take a long time, but for Kaisa's family, the total duration of the process from coaching to having a child was relatively fast compared to the average. The adoption process took about three years. “Due to the destination country, our process was such that when we received the proposal of a child and accepted it, we were only able to pick up the child after more than six months. This was due to the destination country’s official proceedings that had to be handled before we were allowed to go to see and pick up the child. At that time, the child's arrival became more concrete: we had a name, pictures and videos of him, we had information about his personality and health; we were “pregnant in the adoptive way,” and we prepared our home to welcome a pre-school-aged child. ”
Eventually the day came when, instead of looking at a photo, we could meet our child face to face. Seeing your child for the first time is an unforgettable moment for any parent - whether the child is biological or adopted. For adoptive parents, the first meeting is especially sensitive and loaded with expectation and concern regarding the situation and the child's reaction, Kaisa describes. “However, our child was well prepared to meet us parents in his native country, and the situation had been explained to him beforehand in a child-friendly way. He was very happy about us waiting for him in the meeting room. He recognized us, and said joyfully in the local language that mom and dad came. The child made natural contact with us and wanted to be with us.”
New family
After the arrival of the child, maternal feelings and affection may not arise quickly, whether the child is biological or adopted. This is perfectly normal, and Kaisa also recognized this in herself after meeting the child. “There was something very primitive about the emotions that arose, something I couldn’t figure out for myself through concepts or reasoning. On one hand, on a mental level I was happy to have a long-awaited child, but at first the child felt like a stranger: he didn’t smell familiar, didn’t look familiar, there was no clear desire to physically pamper the child because the child didn’t feel like my own. This was a very strange feeling, and I have read how attachment to an adopted child can be laborious for a mother. My motherhood was not born automatically, but it took time.”
The adoption trip lasted a total of two weeks, and when they got home, Kaisa and her husband noticed how much easier it actually was for the child to get used to his new life than it was for them as parents. “It was amazing how the child naturally adapts to a new environment and culture.”
After all, the affectionate relationship was born naturally at its own pace. Kaisa says that family life has been rewarding, and that overall things have gone better than expected. “I stayed on family leave when the child arrived for ten months, allowing us to get to know each other in peace. However, the familiarization and the shaping of our new life did not happen quickly with the adopted child, in the same way it doesn’t necessarily happen with a baby either. Now we have an energetic schoolboy with his normal joys and sorrows. ”
Kaisa's son was adopted at an older age, so the child knows his own background, and it’s occasionally discussed in the family. “We have told him in a child-like way about his background, and the reasons why he ended up for adoption. He has a childish attitude towards this for the time being, but naturally a deeper reflection will take place closer to adolescence. ”
“We went into the adoption process at a mature age with my husband because we were considering it for a long time. On the other hand, adoptive parents are required to have a certain age, a stable life situation and enough maturity to become the parents of an adopted child. I would see this as a good help to our child’s life that we’ve already overcome the biggest “growth pains” of our adult lives. I would not have wanted to have an adopted child at a younger age. ”
Kaisa says that they have moulded the daily life of their small family to their own liking, with their own hobbies and routines. “We are mature adults and we don’t follow each and every “standard formula” for families with children, we can challenge them when needed. We do not force ourselves to live a standard family life, but we do - even a little selfishly - the things we enjoy and want. When the parents are doing well, the child also has a good and safe foundation for life. ”
Adoption is not charity
Kaisa has not encountered any prejudice or negative assumptions regarding their adoption. However, there is one misconception that Kaisa has come across a few times. “Adopting a child from abroad is sometimes considered charity or an act to “save the world”. That’s not the point, and no one should go into the adoption process to save children. The starting point of the adoption process is always the best interest of the child, and a desire to find a suitable parent or parents for a given child. Your own desire to be a parent comes second. Adoption is not humanitarian work.”
Kaisa urges you to carefully consider the best way for you to have a child. “The adoption process is demanding mentally and financially, so it’s not a good idea to rush into it. On the other hand it is a good idea to start early enough, because depending on the country of origin, the process can take several years. This can of course sometimes be the case with conceiving a biological child too. ”
Maternity and career
For Kaisa, becoming a mother had no effect on her career. She had planned to leave her previous job if they had a child and so she did. “I gave up my job completely so I had time to be at home for all the time my child needed. Because our children adapted well, I set out to find myself a job after a bit over six months. I managed to get a job that was more challenging and demanding than my previous position, a promotion actually. When I started work, our son entered kindergarten. ”
From the beginning, Kaisa has done a lot of remote work for an international company, so the pandemic time didn’t even change everyday life that much. “Although the trip ended, I got to be closer to family and children. I see the future of working life positively; I still have many years to go, and our small family supports me in my growth as a person and as a professional. ”
Kaisa is a member of Mothers in Business and also found MiB’s community lovely during her parental leave. “Although I’ve experienced a different way of becoming a mother, and I have never lived everyday life with a baby, me and my child were naturally included in “ordinary” mothers’ groups. There is not one single formula for motherhood: each of us has a different path, which is just right and suitable for each of us. ”
To protect the privacy of the family, names and some other details have been changed.
The blog was written and the interviews collected by:
Anna-Mari Back
MiB employee, mother & fan of diverse families!
Translated by Kajsa Ekroos.
Mothers in Business (MiB) is a nationwide network that supports career-oriented mothers in balancing work and family. Our aim is to provide opportunities for skills development, networking and career advancement.
Currently, we have over 4000 members and hundreds of volunteers throughout Finland.
