Suddenly I’m a mother and simultaneously the same woman as before. Incredibly tiny socks are just hanging on the clothesline, someone is shouting to my ear and smelling bad. Not as bad as if it was solid poop, the maternity and child health clinic reminds me, this is only milk poop. I’m always in a rush, just can’t remember what for. Everything changes all the time, I'm falling down, I’m trying to pull myself together, I leak milk.
This moment was almost five years ago. My motherhood was about to bloom, this was the most natural thing that could happen to a woman. Except not. Growing into motherhood has been a constant strive to grow in a schedule that I can’t influence. Everything happens all the time ‘now’. At the same time when the mom train is accelerating towards the railing, the professional me is shouting and asking when its turn will be. I want a piece of my old life, the person I knew back.
Over the years I had been working in marketing communications across Finland in several roles, being often the trusted one, the helper, the expert. My way of working was to give a lot of my energy, and now suddenly I noticed this energy was drying up. Hours weren’t enough with my toddler’s day care combined with my fulltime job and a long commute, and it began to strangle me. Not having enough energy for the identity that I possessed was however a much bigger crisis. I wasn’t anymore imaginative, inexhaustible, resilient, capable. I saw myself smaller than I ever would have wanted to see.
MiB provided peer support
My second pregnancy was shadowed by my swaying identity. It’s hard for me to admit how lost I was. I found Mothers in Business when my youngest child was a few months old. I didn’t know what kind of a mother or person I was, but I wanted to be with people who might understand me. Maybe other mothers also passionate about their working life could be that kind of people for me? It has been eye opening to meet mothers who go through similar thoughts and challenges daily.
I joined as a volunteer providing a little input in communication that was at that moment suitable. I was able to find that me who wanted to work but who could also be a mother. For a long time I had felt that these two worlds couldn’t meet. At work, I had to hide and downplay the fact that I had a family and my kids had needs. At home, I felt I had to be so fully present that the professional me had to fly out like a hat when I stepped in from the door.
The demands nowadays aren’t realistic for mothers who are going through an awful lot of physical and mental changes under high pressure. Practical support is of course important, but peer support is essential. Being able to talk with people who understand is worth gold. People who nod and swear with me.
Tip for career moms: let it be sometimes
Working life nowadays is really demanding. I can speak as an expert who in every meeting, every charged hour should be able to give not only the expected input but also often offer additional value and ideas. As an entrepreneur, I am responsible for the only resource in the company, myself. Without structural support, this is unfortunately highly dependent on our own coping skills and ability to take care of ourselves. I am very happy to work, it’s a part of me, but my identity has changed. I’m not a workhorse anymore, but instead I choose freelancing. I also choose my working hours. Having two children in daycare, a full time job is out of the question for me. Carrying the weight of two worlds alone is too much.
I support the coming out of all kinds of mothers and situations. Making today’s motherhood visible might be uncomfortable for some, but it’s essential for all of us mothers. Being a mother is not self-evident and it shouldn’t be treated as such.
As a tip for all of you combining work with family life: let it be sometimes. Learn about yourselves, appreciate yourselves and make the best solutions for your family that help you handle everything. Help you feel good. Life doesn’t need to go forward nonstop, you can take a break in a meadow and smell the flowers before you continue. And hey, you are important even if you can't always handle everything!
Marika Luukkanen, marketing communications specialist, freelance entrepreneur (MÖRK creative & marketing)
The writer is a marketing communications freelancer, 37 years old mother of two who doesn’t want to maintain a perfect mother myth and who thinks that a mother is just a human being too.
Translated from the original blog post published February 23 2022, by Anna Toiva
Mothers in Business (MiB) is a nationwide network that supports career-oriented mothers in balancing work and family. MiB’s aim is to provide opportunities for skills development, networking and career advancement. Currently, the network has over 4000 members and hundreds of volunteers throughout Finland.
MiB International is a project that aims to develop MiB’s modes of operation to meet the needs of international career-oriented mothers living in Finland and to engage in societal advocacy towards a more inclusive and equal Finnish working life.
